Why Did I Stay, The Displeasure of Potential

Let’s set the scene. I’m your big sister who moved away a couple years ago. I come back every now and then, usually unannounced, to steal leftovers. I pop into your room, plop down on your bed, and start giving you unsolicited advice. You pretend to ignore me, scrolling through your phone like I’m background noise. But I know you’re listening. You always are.

So here’s today’s sermon.

I don’t know why I stayed. I wish I had a poetic answer. Something that sounds noble or romantic. But the truth? I stayed because I saw potential. And let me tell you something, potential is a scam.

I saw what they could be. Not what they were. I built a whole fantasy around their growth, their healing, their eventual ability to love me the way I deserved. I stayed because I thought if I held on long enough, they’d evolve. That my patience would be rewarded. That my love would be the catalyst.

Spoiler alert: it wasn’t.

They didn’t change. They didn’t grow. And every time I excused the red flags, I was shrinking. I was bending myself into shapes that didn’t feel like me, just to fit into a story I wanted to believe. I wasn’t in love with them, I was in love with their potential. And that’s the most dangerous kind of love. Because it’s not real. It’s a projection. A hope. A maybe.

And here’s the kicker: they never asked me to stay. Not really. They didn’t beg for my loyalty. They didn’t promise transformation. I did all that in my own head. I stayed because I didn’t want to admit I was lonely. Because leaving felt like failure. Because I thought walking away meant I didn’t try hard enough.

You know what the really messed up part was? I kept telling myself I was being selfless. Like I was this patient, understanding partner who could see past their flaws to their "true self." But that was bullshit. I was being completely selfish.

I wanted them to change for me. I wanted them to become the person I needed them to be. I wasn't accepting them - I was waiting for them to transform into my ideal partner. And that's not love, that's manipulation disguised as devotion.

I spent so much energy being frustrated that they weren't reading my mind, weren't becoming who I wanted them to be. But here's the thing - they were showing me exactly who they were every single day. I just kept refusing to believe it because it didn't match my fantasy.

They were consistent. I was the one living in denial.

I kept thinking, "If they would just communicate better, just be more affectionate, just prioritize me the way I prioritize them..." But they weren't broken. They weren't a project to be completed. They were a whole person with their own way of being in the world, and I was essentially saying their way wasn't good enough.

That's incredibly arrogant when you think about it. Who was I to decide they needed to change? They never signed up to be molded into my perfect partner. They just existed, and I decided their existence wasn't enough.

I was searching for something they fundamentally weren't. And instead of accepting that incompatibility and walking away, I dug in my heels and waited. Like they owed me a transformation.

That's the real tragedy. Not that they didn't change - but that I wasted years waiting for someone to become something they never were instead of finding someone who already was.

But trying harder doesn’t fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed. And staying longer doesn’t make you more worthy.

So if you’re sitting there, wondering whether to hold on to someone’s “potential,” let me save you some time: don’t. Love who they are right now. Not who they might become. And if who they are doesn’t feel safe, doesn’t feel reciprocal, doesn’t feel like home, leave.

You’re not a rehab center. You’re not a life coach. You’re not a stepping stone on someone else’s journey to self-awareness.

You’re a whole damn person. And you deserve love that’s present, not promised.